#im mentally fucked and i dont know in what way. maybe cptsd or a pd or psychosis or who the fuck even knows. cant go to therapy.

[the-amber-droid-dreams]

its so fucking hard to imagine what a future for someone like me could even look like. noone i know or have heard of is like me. being alive is already really fucking hard and exhausting but especially so when i cant even imagine a future for myself lmao

[notquiteaghost]

no pressure if you do not want to, but that sounds interesting and i would definitely be down to hear about szpd and bpd being two sides of a coin

ok so. apologies if this doesnt make sense i only talk about this with other crazy people, n also disclaimer i do not have bpd but half my loved ones do, but like. all personality disorders are just subgenres of cptsd, right? the concept of a personality disorder in of itself is a bit [grimaces] because it's like... it's a series of maladaptive coping mechanisms that u have baked so deep into urself as to be essentially irremovable but. people who have NOT done that need to watch how they talk about it. and like, how PDs as a diagnosis started as psychs looking at the end result of childhood trauma n saying 'well that's fucked up that shld be A Disorder' and then only later going wait. wait do you think they're fucked up for a reason????

but, anyway, PDs are cptsd. cptsd is when u experience ongoing trauma when u are not done becoming a person so it fucks up the process of u becoming a person. there's an argument to make that yknow show me a well-adjusted person but. cptsd isnt garden variety fucked up. cptsd IS more prevalent than most people want to admit but it is still like. lots of people do make it to adulthood and aren't rotten at the core. somehow my mother is one of them even. everyone has neuroses but not everyone compulsively ruins their own life any time it might improve.

so. so! lots of things cause cptsd! there are many ways to fuck kids up! and the thing about trauma is the severity isnt actually in The Bad Thing the severity is determined by how supported u are in the aftermath. people can go thru some real gnarly shit and be fine because they had the mental health equivalent of all their safety gear on. people can twist their ankle slightly just walking up some stairs n then never ever recover because no one lets them rest to heal it.

obviously, some people with bpd & szpd did in fact go thru some real gnarly shit. but my two sides of the same coin thesis isnt about the actual trauma. or it is but like. bpd & szpd are about feelings. bpd is too many feelings szpd is no feelings ever.

i dont wanna say bpd n szpd affect more neurodivergent people than other PDs cuz. a) i know almost fuckall abt most other PDs but well u see neurodivergent people tend to be traumatised, b) having Big Feelings as a kid isnt a neurodivergent thing. or, it is but i can say that cuz im neurodivergent n it's complicated. anyway what i WILL say is bpd & szpd start at the same point and that point is having Too Much Feelings

theyre two paths that diverge in the wood. bpd is deciding maybe if i embrace the feelings wholeheartedly i'll be able to control them??? (this doesnt work), szpd is deciding maybe i can destroy the feelings entirely (this also doesnt work). also, '''deciding''', no one wakes up n says Today I Will Pick This Maladaptive Coping Mechanism, this is smth u do gradually while still a child and then later u look back at ur childhood and go Oh Well. That Was Dumb Huh.

this is also imo why both bpd n szpd are so comorbid with derealisation/depersonalisation disorder, cuz the brain only has so many things it can do and dissociating is deceptively nice at first, and like. makes feelings go away! bpd is kinda a vicious circle of being triggered into dissociating then coming back then being triggered etc, szpd is What If I Lived Like This Actually.

anyway it's wild to me always that this is a ~hot take because there's this idea that bpd feelings are? only like that because of the bpd??? and maybe there's an argument that everyone's feelings are that strong at first n most people learn to modulate them but. that just rings so false to me. i learnt to modulate my feelings and ive been informed that's A Disorder. i think everyone has an emotional capacity & the upper limit of it naturally varies. i assume there are people out there who don't feel things as strongly as i do because lots of people sure act like it.

uhhhh in conclusion. bpd & szpd are both about having Well This Is The Worst Thing To Ever Happen And I Have To Die About It be basically your only reaction to anything bad, and choosing to cope with that in two very different ways. endless love to my borderline folks i could NOT live like that.